Some months ago, I was confused as hell. I had graduated from
college a couple of years ago but still had no clue what I wanted to be. I
switched between mediocre jobs, from an Engineer to a Business Development
Executive to a Research Analyst. I had people issues, wasting my precious time and emotion for getting their adulation. I had no conventional hobbies aside from day dreaming. I
had no clue who I was and what I wanted from life. I was in a desperate search to
have these answers because I wanted to know what my “calling” was and where to
find happiness and when life would finally make sense.
I tried a lot to find
it out, until one day, I dropped the exhausting notion that I had to have it
all figured out. For some time I just let it the way it was.
I asked myself a
simple question that had a huge impact on my thought process:
What’s the worst that
could happen if I let go of needing to know all the answers? Can
life ever be certain?
The worst that could happen is that I’ll end up lost in a sea of uncertainty. And then I thought, “Wait is that all”? “Aren’t I lost in that sea already?”
And so I decided, I
might as well be where I’m already at. After all, my life wasn’t going to end
if I didn’t know all the answers. I wasn’t going to fall off the edge of the
earth or get eaten by a pack of bloodthirsty wolves. My Facebook account wasn’t
going to get unexpectedly deleted. (Hey it’s important: P)
Is it
even possible to have it all figured out? If we find a calling
or a career that we really love, who’s to say that our calling won’t
change (or that it shouldn’t change)? Who’s to say that our path won’t evolve?
If we’ve found our lifetime love, who’s to say that our feelings won’t
change or that this person will always feel the same way? Who’s to say that we might not lose that person someday?
Not to be depressing,
but life is weird.
Who’s to even say that
our life might not change in an instant? I lost my father in a sudden accident
7 years ago and my life completely changed from that very instance.
Maybe life is a never-ending
mystery. It doesn't have to be
a scary thing; instead, it can be freeing. I still do not have
any answers and I am just as confused as I was. But I have a decent job, family
and a few good friends. I try to do whatever little I can for them because I don't really know what else to do. I go to work every day and I still feel
as if this isn’t quite it. I am confused if I am meant to live in my house or
to travel the world; I wonder if I will ever find the right person or the right
job (or if such a thing even exists). I still have no clue where my life
is headed.
But at the same time,
I have things figured out more than I ever have before. I’ve learned to look
less to others for definition and more to myself. I no longer vouch for
attention to feel like I’m somebody. For the first time in my life, I’d rather
be alone than be untrue to myself. When people ask me about my passions, they
are no longer greeted with the blank stare of a guy who spends all his time
thinking. Instead, my answer is simple: I love the strange feeling of
connecting to people on stage. This right here is what I love to do, and I’m
doing it. So what if it’s not how I make a living; still, I am doing it. Still
I am crumbling apart daily and yet falling back together in no time. I have
very well accepted to be lost. It’s not butchering me anymore; in fact it
brings me back to life.
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